A Hobbit Fairy Tale

A/N: Iíll put in more notes at the end, but I need to make one quick point: "S. A. Rose" is me, whereas "Rose" is Rose Cotton Gamgee. And any non-LOTR names are Monkees clones, except for Col. Hogan, who comes from Hoganís Heroes. Got it? Great. Oh, excuse me; Iím needed backstage.

BackstageÖ.

"Do we have to do this?"

"Iím sorry, folks. Really. It just couldnít be helped. You know me."

"I think itís going to be fun."

"You would."

"See? Youíre getting into the parts already!"

"Aye, but we still do not understandÖ."

"One minute to air!"

"Trust me on this one, okay? Iíll explain it all later."

"I do not know if I can do this properlyÖ."

"Youíll be fine, Arwen. Letís just get into our places, shall we?"

"Thirty seconds!"

"Break a leg, guys!"

"What?"

"Just an expressionÖ oh, never mind."

"FiveÖ fourÖ threeÖ twoÖ oneÖ."

A Hobbit Fairy Tale
By San Antonio Rose
With apologies to J. R. R. Tolkien, Peter Meyerson, and the Monkees

[Fade from black; first shot is of a heraldís trumpet. Pan along the length of the trumpet and end on Lindir, who is blowing a fanfare.]

Lindir: Once upon a time in the village of Avon-on-Calling, there lived four young hobbits. [switch to Avon-on-Calling set; Lindir continues narration. (Note: All sets are basically cardboard cutouts.)] There was FrodoÖ

Frodo: [comes out from behind the "cobblerís shop"] Hi, Iím Frodo, and Iím the cobbler!

Lindir: SamÖ

Sam: [comes out from behind the "tailorís shop"] Hi, Iím Sam, and Iím the tailor!

Lindir: MerryÖ

Merry: [comes out of the "inn"] Hi, Iím Merry, and Iím the innkeeper!

Lindir: And Pippin.

Pippin: [stands under the "lamppost"] Hi, Iím Pippin, and Iím out of work.

Lindir: The reason Pippin was out of work was the princess. He was so in love with her that he couldnít concentrate on getting a job.

[Pippin walks away from the lamppost in a daze; Frodo puts a hand on his chest to stop him.]

Frodo: Pippin?

Pippin: Huh?

Frodo: Pippin, youíve got to stop thinking about that princess. Sheís a high-born monarch, and youíre not. Besides, sheís an elf, and youíre a hobbit.

Pippin: I canít help it, Frodo. For I love her so deeply that I would cut off my right arm to please her.

Merry: What about your ring finger instead?

Frodo: [gives Merry The Look] Hush.

[Neighing sounds offstage]

Frodo, Sam, and Merry: Hark!

Pippin: Hark!

[Cut to "carriage" with Saruman yelling at everyone, horses straining, and Grima pushing on the carriage; sign next to carriage says "Mud" and points to the floor. Cut back to hobbits]

Sam: The princess!

[Cut back to carriage, closeup on "Princess Idril" (Arwen wearing a blonde wig and WAY too much makeup)]

Princess Idril: [in high, nasal, grating voice] Heeeelp! Heeeelp! Here we are, stuck in the mud in some filthy little town! Heeeelp! With a bunch of incompetents! Heeeelp!

[Fade to black; roll opening credits; fade up from black on the hobbits]

Frodo: Ooh, wow! What a great-looking elf!

Pippin: Sheís beautiful!

[Cut to Idril looking cute]

Idril: Saruman, get me out of the mud, will you, please?

[Frodo opens his mouth to continue his "raving," but Merry stuffs his towel in Frodoís mouth before the next line can come out. Cut to carriage, with Saruman yelling at everyone.]

Lindir: See the horses try to pull the carriage out of the mud.

[Cut to horses straining]

Saruman: Heave! Ho!

Grima: Iím heaving!

Saruman: Then ho a little!

Grima: All right, Iím ho-ing!

Saruman: Pull, horses! Pull this carriage from out the mud in which it is lodged! [to Idril] Oh, fair jewel of the West, we shall have you out in just but a moment. [to drivers] Quickly! Heave! Ho!

Idril: Look, somebody better come get me out of this mud!

[Cut to Pippin, who, seeing his chance, runs over to the carriage]

Pippin: Oh, fair princess!

[Idril looks him over in disgust]

Pippin: I have loved you from afar, lo, these many moons. May I carry you across the mud?

Idril: What? You? Carry me across the mud? Haha! I am a princess. You are naught but a halfling, a wayward serf, the lowest of the low. Besides, you are too short.

Pippin: HEY! My fatherís the Thain, Iíll have you know!

S. A. Rose: [offstage] Thatís not your line!

Pippin: ButÖ

Frodo: [runs over with a script] Here, look up the proper response in the Hobbit Handbook.

Pippin: But, FrodoÖ

[Frodo silences him with The Look; Pippin mutters something under his breath and looks at the script]

Frodo: Got it?

Pippin: I suppose. But I say, FrodoÖ.

Frodo: Itís a play, Pippin. It isnít meant to be real.

Arwen: [as herself] I should say not. I cannot imagine my foremother behaving this way.

Pippin: [sullenly] Oh, all right.

[S. A. Rose comes up and whispers something in Pippinís ear which causes him to perk up immediately.]

S. A. Rose: Okay, gang, letís start from "Somebody better get me outta this mud."

[Everyone goes back to their places, and S. A. Rose leaves the stage. Offstage:]

Georg: Whatíd you tell him?

S. A. Rose: I promised him all the mushrooms he could eat with the pot roast tonight.

Dash: Yeah, thatíd do itÖ.

[Back onstage:]

Idril: Look, somebody better come get me out of this mud!

[Cut to Pippin, who runs over to the carriage again]

Pippin: O fair princess, I have loved you from afar, lo, these many moons. May I carry you across the mud?

Idril: What? You? Carry me across the mud? Haha! I am a princess. You are naught but a halfling, a wayward serf, the lowest of the low. Besides, you are too short.

Pippin: [remembering the promised mushrooms] So youíve heard of me!

Idril: I will honor your spine with a walk across it. Down, perian!

Pippin: My spine thanks you! [flops down on his stomach in front of the carriage door; Idril gets out of the coach and uses Pippin as a stepping stone.] Thereís a fifty-cent toll at the other end.

Idril: Shut up or I shall have you paved.

Pippin: Except for official traffic, of course.

Saruman: [to Grima] Water the horses, dislodge the carriage, find provisions, and clean the erasers. [steps on Pippin on his way to talk to Idril] Hey, ladyÖ

Idril: [grabbing Saruman by the tunic] Saruman, you had better get this thing out of the mud!

Saruman: íTis stuck very deep, my lady. íTwill be a time before we can leave this place again.

Idril: Oh, ítwill it, now? Well, if you do not get me out of this filthy little village in ten minutes, I will not marry you! What think you of that?

Saruman: Oh, wow, what a bummer.

Aragorn: [offstage] Bummer?

Saruman: That is what the script saidÖ.

S. A. Rose: [offstage] Itís an anachronism. Sorry. I thought Iíd caught them all. Keep going.

Idril: [continuing, elbowing Saruman on the solar plexus] Open the door, creep.

Pippin: A Beren and Luthien theyíre not.

Georg: [offstage] Romeo and Juliet.

Pippin: Whoís telling this story, you or me?

Georg: [offstage] Sorry.

Saruman: [opening the door] Thy carriage, fair pearl.

[Idril gets back in the carriage. Saruman boots Pippin in the ribs, then steps on him to get back to the back of the carriage. Frodo glares at Saruman, the towel still hanging out of his mouth.]

Merry: Ooh, heís mean.

Sam: Very mean. Very mean.

[Cut back to Idril looking cute]

Merry: [coming up to Pippin] Pippin, what are you lying down there in the mud for? Címon.

[Merry helps Pippin to his feet; Pippin kicks away the sign that says "Mud" and walks away in a huff. Cut to Saruman and Grima entering the "inn."]

Saruman: Ho, innkeeper! Ho, innkeeper! Innkeeper!

Merry: What ho, sire?

Saruman: Grovel, grovel!

Merry: No, not grovel, thatís concrete tile.

Saruman: Meat, wine, green spinach, and a surprise dessert!

Merry: But sire, this is but a poor inn. We donít have such things.

Saruman: Then send out for sandwiches.

Merry: Right, sandwiches, yeah. [aside] Whatís a sandwich?

Lindir: See the men eat their food.

[Cut to "funny fast film" of Merry bringing various kinds of food to the table and the other two eating greedily, Saruman occasionally pounding on the table or cuffing Merry on the shoulder.]

Lindir: See them spill their food.

[More "funny fast film" of Merry, Frodo, and Sam bringing food to the table, followed by chairs, other props, microphone stands, music stands, and a couple of lights. Afterward Pippin stands just outside the door of the inn and overhears part of a conversation between Saruman and Grima]

Saruman: [laughs evilly] Now is our opportunity! You shall take her to Orthanc, torture her, kill her, and then, youíll stab yourself to death!

[Pippinís eyes widen, and he runs to the carriage]

Pippin: My princess, my princess!

Idril: My bridge, my bridge!

Pippin: I have news! The evil Saruman isÖ.

[Just then Saruman and Grima come out of the inn carrying a tray of food; Pippin sees them, gives Idril an apologetic grin, and flops down on his stomach again.]

Pippin: Well, here I am again.

Saruman: Victuals for thou, sweet princess! [sees Pippin] Oh. Glad to see your back.

Pippin: Itís good to be [Saruman steps on him] back.

Saruman: [offering the tray to Idril] Food!

Idril: [picking up a small piece of fruit] Oh, my very favorite! Leftovers! [pops the fruit into her mouth]

Saruman: íTis time we were away.

Idril: Hold it just a minute, buster.

Saruman: [aside] Buster?

Idril: [takes off a tacky replica of the Evenstar] Never let it be said that a princess did not reward a savior. [tosses the necklace to Pippin]

Pippin: What is it?

Idril: Junk.

Pippin: I donít deserve it!

Idril: Yes, I am hip, but wear it anyway. It looks good on you. [Everyone looks at the camera and mouths, "Hip?!"] Come, Saruman, let us away!

Saruman: Grima, let us away!

Grima: Horses, let us away!

Drivers (Sal and Pepper): Yeah, man, letís split!

[The carriage moves away, and Saruman steps on Pippin again as he passes.]

Pippin: [looking after the carriage] Any more of this and Iím going to get a new princess to worship.

[Cut to the interior of the inn; Frodo, Sam, and Merry sit at the table, while Pippin stands in front of them, telling what he overheard.]

Pippin: Ö and theyíre going to murder her in a tower in a remote castle guarded by a scary forest and a moat and an unpenetrable dragon.

Sam: A what kind of dragon?

Pippin: [popping his Ps] An unpenetrable dragon.

Sam: So what are you going to do?

Pippin: Iím going to miss her when sheís gone.

Merry: Hey, what about the Evenstar? Maybe it has some magic in it.

Pippin: Oh, no. Itís worthless. Itís made of tin.

Bilbo: [suddenly entering] Wait a moment, Pippin, my lad! I read something in Elrondís library about this copy of the Evenstar. It does have certain beneficial properties to it.

Pippin: Really?

Bilbo: Aye! In fact, I think it would be most useful in rescuing Princess Idril!

Pippin: Wow!

Bilbo: Frodo, make a pair of shoes that will scale high walls.

Frodo: Ah, Bilbo, we donít wear shoes.

Bilbo: Some suction device, then.

Frodo: Would a grappling hook and rope suffice?

Bilbo: Good enough, provided Pippin can aim well.

Pippin: I believe so. We have had baseball lessons, you know.

Sam: You can use the Ladyís rope. It wonít break.

Pippin: Thank you, Sam.

Bilbo: Sam, make a suit of mail that nothing can penetrate.

Sam: Would your old mithril coat work?

Bilbo: Why, of course! Well met, Sam!

[Sam beams]

Bilbo: Merry, forge a kitchen knife into a sword that will cut through iron.

Merry: What about Sting?

Frodo: It would be useful against any orcs that might be there, at any rate.

Bilbo: Fine, Sting it is. You donít mind, do you, Frodo?

Frodo: Of course not. I donít use them anymore.

Pippin: Now what?

Bilbo: Once we find everything, you will take them all, make your way to the tower, and rescue the princess. But whatever happens, you must not drop, crush, or lose the Evenstar.

Merry: Then he would lose his power, right?

Bilbo: That, or he could hurt someone if he dropped it on them. [yawns] Goodness, I believe Iíll need another nap before supper. Goodbye, Pippin! Youíll be fine!

[Bilbo exits, and Frodo, Sam, and Merry go rummaging through boxes to find the things Pippin needs. Before long, Pippin is completely outfitted. Cut to a room near the top of Orthanc where Idril is imprisoned. Saruman is cackling evilly.]

Idril: Oh, save your laughter, Saruman! Soon my prince will be here to rescue me!

Saruman: Who will rescue you? The elves hate you; the dwarves hate you; the men hate you; and the hobbits hate you. So who will save you? Who, who, who?

Idril: Let me think. Who does that leave?

[Meanwhile, the other hobbits have dragged Pippin to the edge of the forest.]

Pippin: Why me? Why do I have to be the one to go through the scary forest and face the dragon and save the princess? I donít even like her anymore!

Frodo: Donít even like her?! Sheís the loveliest lady I ever laid eyes on!

[Sam and Merry shut him up promptly]

Merry: Pip, youíre the only hobbit left in the entire kingdom who can fight the scary dragon, brave the dark forest, and face the vicious guards watching over the princess.

Pippin: Me, the only hobbit?! What about the army, ten thousand strong?

Merry: PIPPIN! Donít make waves!

Frodo: Youíve got him there!

[Frodo, Sam, and Merry push Pippin into the forest. Cut to Pippin in the forest; someone is singing offstage.]

Pippin: Whoís that?

[Diamond skips out dressed as Red Riding Hood; Pippin nearly cracks up.]

Pippin: [trying to keep from laughing at his bride-to-be] Hey, who are you?

Diamond: Iím Little Red Riding Hood and Iím going to see my grandmother in the forest.

Pippin: [clearing his throat] Oh, no, you canít do that. The Wargís already been to your grandmotherís house and heís eaten her up, and heís waiting to do the same thing to you.

Diamond: Sure, lad, and the cow jumped over the moon. Youíve been talking to Mad Baggins, havenít you? [Skips away before he can answer; camera moves just before Pippin loses it. Cut to the inn with the other hobbits sitting at the table.]

Merry: You know, perhaps we shouldnít have sent Pippin into that forest all alone.

Frodo: You may be right. I donít know what weíll do now.

Sam: [with Rose perched on his knee, waving his left hand so that his wedding band is prominently displayed] Let us seek a little comfort in our hour of sorrow.

[Cut back to Pippin; voices offstage]

Pippin: Hark! That must be Hansel and Gretel! [aside] Where do they get these things?

[Hansel and Greteló…omer in lederhosen and …owyn in a dirndlócome out of the trees, …omer saying "Come on in the woods" and …owyn humming.]

Hansel: Look over there! íTis a house made out of gingerbread and candy! Should we eat some of it? I am hungry.

Gretel: I think not, Hansel.

Hansel: Why? Do you think some sorceress will come out and turn us into gingerbread men because we ate her house?

Gretel: No, sweetmeats are bad for my complexion.

Hansel: Oh.

[Hansel and Gretel exit, and the camera pans back to Pippin, who is shaking with silent laughter]

Pippin: [in a squeaky voice, which he didnít mean to use] Arenít they sweet?

[Everyone cracks upÖ except …omer, who is stalking back to his dressing room, muttering something uncomplimentary about short pants. Cut to Orthanc.]

Idril: You had better get me out of here or you shall be in big trouble!

Grima: It is horrible! The screaming, the yelling, the ravingÖ I cannot take much more!

Saruman: Yes, I know, I know.

Grima: So when do we start torturing her?

[Cut back to Pippin in the forest, waiting out a backstage scuffle]

Legolas: [offstage] But I look foolish!

Georg: [offstage] We couldnít get anyone else for the part!

Avalon: [offstage] Hey, at least you donít have to wear a wig! You should have seen me when I played this role!

Dash: [offstage] It was all gem stuff, I can tell you, mate.

Avalon: [offstage, obviously put out] Thank you, Gretel.

[Pause, followed by slowly increasing laughter from Legolas]

Pippin: Can we do this scene already?

[Legolas clears his throat, regains his composure, and walks out dressed as Goldilocks, trying to look tired. Pippin bites his lip, trying not to laugh.]

Pippin: [takes a deep breath] Hello there. Is anything the matter?

Goldilocks: [in a tired voice] Oh, hello. Plenty is the matter. My name is Goldilocks, and I am very tired and hungry, so I shall go over to that cottage there and find something to eat.

Pippin: Youíd better not. Three bears live in that cottage, and if they find that someone sat in their chairs and ate their porridge and slept in their beds, theyíll be very angry.

Goldilocks: Oh, do not worry. Naught shall happen to me.

Pippin: Why not?

Goldilocks: For I am a mean little girl!

Georg: [offstage] Did that sound stilted to you?

S. A. Rose: [offstage] One of the hazards of putting elves in modern productions.

Georg: [offstage] Ah. That would explain it.

[Scene changes to the gates of Isengard, guarded by Smaug. Pippin draws Sting and approaches.]

Smaug: [roars menacingly] I am the dragon of the moat!

Pippin: [trying not to show that heís shaking] Iím not afraid of you! I have Sting!

Smaug: Oh, mercy, put that away. Being killed over Esgaroth has put me off violence altogether.

Pippin: [brightening as he sheathes Sting] Thatís refreshing.

Smaug: Why donít I just ask you a riddle? If you guess correctly, I shall lower the drawbridge, and you may pass.

Pippin: Riddles are Gollumís game, not mine. Iím afraid even old Bilbo is better at them than I am.

Smaug: Are you better at being eaten?

Pippin: No.

Smaug: Very well. What has two eyes, two ears, and a very short life?

Pippin: I donít know.

Smaug: Close enough. Lower the drawbridge!

[Cries of "Lower the drawbridge!" offstage; the drawbridge lowers.]

Smaug: Go in! Hurry up, hurry up! Go in! Hurry up!

[Pippin crosses the drawbridge.]

Smaug: Heís all yours, Wormtongue! [laughs evilly]

[Grima comes out of hiding and uses various weapons to try to kill Pippin, but since he is using steel and Pippin is wearing mithril, he fails. Pippin simply stands there looking smug until Grima loses his nerve and runs away. Pippin then looks up at Orthanc.]

Pippin: That must be the tall tower where the princess lies languishingÖ

Idril: [inside] Yes, here I am. Languish, languish.

Pippin: In a dim-lit cellÖ

Idril: [inside] Oh, this cell is so dimly lit.

Pippin: With her spirit unbroken.

Idril: [inside] Man, you had better get me out of here or you shall be in big trouble!

[Pippin throws the grappling hook up to the window and Bat-climbs up the wall.]

Idril: [inside] Languish, languish. Tall cell, dim litÖ.

Pippin: [partway up the wall] Donít give up hope, Idril! Iím coming to save you!

Idril: [inside] Well, use the service entrance, perian!

[Pippin makes it to the window, climbs inside, and frees Idril.]

Pippin: Quickly, princess, before Saruman and Grima return! We can away through the window to freedom!

Idril: Wait a minute. Out the window? Not a chance! I am afraid of heights.

Pippin: Oh, you have nothing to fear as long as I have this magic Evenstar.

Idril: Magic Evenstar?

Pippin: Yes, the one you gave me!

Idril: I gave you that?

Pippin: Yes!

Idril: I do not give away the Evenstar, even a copy. It was a loan. Give it back. [Pippin hesitates] Fork it over, buster!

Pippin: Thatís twice youíve said that. What does it mean?

Arwen: I have no idea.

[Back in character, Pippin takes off the Evenstar and hands it back to Idril. Just then Saruman and Grima enter. Saruman cackles.]

Saruman: Get them, grab them!

Grima: Why should we do that? They are already in prison!

Saruman: Do as I say, Worm!

Pippin: Iíll protect you! [He runs over to fight them, but somehow Sting is stuck in its sheath.] My swordís stuck! Give me the Evenstar!

Idril: You plan to fight them with the Evenstar? You might as well do a dance to Spring. Nosirreebob, baby, the Evenstar stays with me.

Saruman: Baby?!

Pippin: Come on, give me the Evenstar!

Idril: Not on your life!

[Grima grabs Pippinís sword arm]

Saruman: Haha! Nothing, nothing that you can do can save her!

Pippin: So it seems.

Idril: I keep the Evenstar.

Saruman: And as for you, I have planned a gruesome, torturous, painful death.

Idril: You realize, of course, Saruman, that this means we are through. Absolutely tha-rough.

[Cut back to the interior of the inn. Frodo, Sam, and Merry put down their mugs just as a bell starts ringing outside.]

Barliman: [sobbing] Hear ye, hear ye! [The hobbits run over to him.]

Frodo: Hello, Mr. Butterbur! Whatís happening?

Barliman: Peregrin Took has been caught trespassing at Isengard and will be executed.

[Frodo and Merry cry out in shock]

Sam: Executed?! When?

Barliman: It doesnít say. Youíll have to wait for the late edition.

Frodo: Well, thank you, Mr. Butterbur. Weíll see you later. Come on, lads, letís go!

Sam: Right, Mr. Frodo!

[Cut to Orthanc, where both Idril and Pippin are chained to a wall]

Idril: Keep your hands away from me!

Pippin: I didnít do anything! Honest!

Idril: Yech. Lech.

[Cut to the three hobbits in the forest]

Merry: TrudgeÖ trudgeÖ

Frodo: Hold it, lads. Weíve been searching for Isengard for nigh on three days. Weíre likely to get lost.

Merry: No, we wonít. I have a plan.

Frodo: What?

Merry: We split up, go in three different directions, leave a trail of breadcrumbs wherever we go, and then follow them back.

Frodo: What if the birds eat the crumbs?

Merry: Follow the birds.

Frodo: Good thinking.

[The group splits up. Merry hears someone singing offstage, and soon Diamond/Red Riding Hood comes skipping by.]

Merry: Hi!

Diamond: Hello!

Merry: Where are you going?

Diamond: Iím on my way to my grandmotherís house. Sheís sick, and Iím taking her all kinds of good things to eat.

Merry: Oh. [conspiratorially] Iíve got a hunch that a Warg has eaten your grandmother.

Diamond: Thatís true. I know.

Merry: So where are you going?

Diamond: Iím going to visit my other grandmother.

Merry: Oh.

[Diamond skips away singing, leaving Merry with a confused look on his face. Cut to Sam, who is catching his breath.]

Goldilocks: [running up to Sam] Help, help! Oh, help! Help me, woodsman, help me! The two bears are chasing me from their house!

Sam: Two bears? I thought there were three bears.

Goldilocks: Well, the papa bear wanted me to hang around. [as Legolas] That sounded wrongÖ.

Col. Hogan: [offstage] Well, you are a great help when it comes to surveillance, and you did save Carter, Tiger, and LeBeauÖ.

Legolas: Thank you, Papa Bear.

Col. Hogan: [offstage] Youíre welcome.

[Cut to the three hobbits standing outside Isengard]

Merry: Well, there it is. The tower they say no man could ever get into alive. [Smaug starts roaring] And now I know why.

Sam: Letís split!

[The three of them run away. Cut to the inside of Orthanc.]

Idril: What do you think they really plan to do with us?

Pippin: Well, theyíd never kill a real princess.

Idril: No, of course not. That would be ridiculous.

Pippin: It must be some kind of joke.

Saruman: [enters the room] It is time to die!

Pippin: So letís laugh it up!

[Cut back to the front gate, where the hobbits are facing Smaug.]

Smaug: What has six eyes, six ears, and a short life?

Merry: Three hobbits.

Smaug: Hey, thatís right! Lower the drawbridge!

[Frodo and Sam congratulate Merry, and they go inside. Cut to the top of Orthanc, where Grima and Saruman have taken Pippin and Idril close to a ledge.]

Idril: Ahhh! Ahhh! Help!

Saruman: Over the parapet!

Idril: Waaaaah!

Saruman: Goodbye, good riddance!

Idril: Wait a minute, you dingbat! Who shall feed the goldfish?

Saruman: Dingbat?

Grima: Goldfish?

[Just then the hobbits arrive at the top of the tower]

Pippin: Frodo! Sam! Pi-Merry! Youíve come!

Saruman: [to Idril] Flee, flee in terror! This is no place for a woman! This is manís work!

[Idril screams and punches Saruman in the chest before moving out of the way. A fight scene ensues; Frodo somehow manages to be out of fighting range of anyone.]

Idril: Ahhh! Oh, this is certainly no place for a woman. Ahhh!

[The fight continues.]

Sam: [wrestling with Grima, to Frodo] Could you fight, too? Iím doing all the fighting here!

Lindir: Hooray for Samwise!

Merry: [calling above the fray] Pippin, Pippin, what about the Evenstar?

Lindir: Hooray for Merry!

Pippin: [calling back] She made me give it back!

Idril: Youíd better believe I took it back. Itís my necklace.

Saruman: [pausing in hand-to-hand combat with Pippin] You know, I am basically a non-violent person. [aside] Thatís what minions are for.

Pippin: Really? Thatís refreshing!

[They start arm-wrestling]

Lindir: Hooray for Pippin!

Idril: Defending my honor, is it not wonderful? A bunch of hobbits and some vicious people.

Sam: Heís winning, heís winning!

Pippin: Iím losing, Iím losing!

Idril: Oh, all right. If you are about to lose the fight, take the Evenstar. [takes it off and tosses it to Pippin, who catches it and promptly wins the arm-wrestling match]

Saruman: I give up!

Grima: Well, if you give up, then I give up, too!

Saruman: I give up!

[The hobbits cheer.]

Sam: We won, we won!

Idril: Ooh, he won, he won!

Lindir: Hooray for the good guys!

Frodo: Letís have a song, shall we?

[The hobbits launch into one of Bilboís songs.]

Idril: I am certainly glad things worked out this way. I could have been wasted. [as Arwen] Who came up with these lines?!

Avalon: [offstage] Weíll show you the original later. Itíll make a lot more sense.

Arwen: I should hope soÖ.

S. A. Rose: [offstage] Okay, guys, last sceneÖ.

[Grima and Saruman are bound, and Idril approaches Saruman with her hands on her hips.]

Idril: Well! You have kidnapped and threatened to kill the woman you were about to marry. I hope you have some sort of explanation.

Saruman: I despise you.

Idril: I did not ask for an apology. [turns to Pippin] And you, my knight in shining armor. In gratitude, I shall grant you any wish your heart desires.

Pippin: Anything?

Idril: Oh, anything at all.

Pippin: [to the other hobbits] What should I ask for?

Frodo: Ask her to marry you!

Merry: Yeah!

Pippin: No, I couldnít!

Frodo: Oh, go on!

Pippin: I canít! Iím too young to get married!

[Frodo glances offstage at Diamond and starts chuckling]

Sam: Go on, ask her to marry you!

Pippin: Princess?

Idril: Yes?

Pippin: Princess, will you marry me?

Arwen: No, I wonít marry you!

Pippin: What? WhyÖ [Arwen pulls off the wig] Arwen?!

Arwen: I am already married!

Aragorn: [offstage] I should say so!

Frodo: Oh, wow. Sheís married.

[Merry and Sam make disappointed noises.]

S. A. Rose: [walking in front of the camera with the Monkee clones] Well, that wraps up another laugh riot. And this isÖ.

Georg: Mike NesmithÖ

S. A. Rose: Micky DolenzÖ

Dash: Peter TorkÖ

Avalon: And Davy JonesÖ

S. A. Rose: Reminding you to save the Texas Prairie Chicken.

All: Bladalum! [singing as they exit] Here we come, / Walking down the street, / We get the funniest looks from / Everyone we meetÖ.

[Roll end credits]

Original story: Peter Meyerson
The Monkees
© Rhino Entertainment, Inc.
Lord of the Rings characters © Tolkien Enterprises
Hoganís Heroes
© Bing Crosby Productions/Hoganís Horde

A/N: The "Papa Bear" joke refers to "There and Back Again." For info on Georg, Avalon, and Dash, check out the Justus Twins Clone Page. Some of the jokes donít make as much sense if you havenít seen the Monkees episode "Fairy Tale," on which this is based [Monkees fans, please bear with me]; Princess Gwen, the "Idril" counterpart, was played by Mike Nesmith, who also played Frodoís part. Micky Dolenz (Merry) also doubled as Goldilocks and Hansel, and Davy Jones (Sam) did Little Red Riding Hood and Gretel. Just to mollify the purists, I know that elves didnít marry hobbits and that wizards didnít marry at all, and I know that even if there were fairies in Middle-earth, none of our heroes had dealings with them (which is why I had Bilbo explain the fake Evenstar rather than an equivalent of the "fairy of the locket" from the original). And, as Arwen said, Idril Celebrindal would never have annoyed everyone she met, nor did she have a voice like a corncrake. She was simply the only true canon princess I could think of.

Okay, now to get Pippinís mushrooms and make sure thereís enough room in the living room for everyone to fit so I can show the originalÖ.

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